by deviantART user Snoozlebee
by deviantART user Snoozlebee
What do you think?
Turns out that the end credits scene from AVENGERS that features Thanos not only preps audiences for AVENGERS 2, but for GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY. Thanos will be involved in the movie and the film will be a direct link to AVENGERS 2. Besides, “the script is incredible,” if you believe Da7e. All in all, any time a movie may feature a character named Rocket Raccoon (a fan favorite, nonetheless), it’s a risky and bold move. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY are pretty much unknowns to non-comic book readers, and it’s only until recently that the squad has come back into the lime light in comic book land. If Marvel wanted to expand its universe to the cosmos, Dr. Strange would’ve made more sense. But then again, the Guardians have more history with Thanos, and the (financial) upside of introducing an entire new team is much higher than any one single superhero (a shame FOX owns the film rights to “Silver Surfer”). As the folks at Latino Review mention, I would be shocked if Nova wasn’t involved, since he’s one of the most notable cosmic characters that has a link to the Guardians...
t is the secret that keeps on spinning and has cast a web of intrigue through the corridors of Hollywood.
But the mystery over whether Spider-Man will join Thor, Hulk and Iron Man in a crime-fighting super sequel may have been blown apart after actor Andrew Garfield was spotted with a bundle of Avengers magazines under his arm.
It is yet unclear whether the Spider-Man star's comic book cache was for homework or just a taste of the competition as he stepped out in New York...
Two lawsuits filed in West Virginia are seeking restraining orders against Kim Kardashian. Guess why.
No, really. Guess. Think on it long and hard. You can even use the hints in the headline, which are only a small part of the batshit insane fantasies described in the complaints. Go ahead and dream up your wackiest possible scenarios involving the Kardashians.
Did you guess that one of the suits would claim that Kim, her ex-husband Kris Humphries, and Humphries' current girlfriend Myla Sinanaj held a Philadelphia man at gunpoint and forced him to watch the three of them having sex for five hours in their hotel room, which was filled with barnyard animals and a unicorn? Because that is one correct answer...
The content will be pretty much the same as what you see here. I think I've created a kind of HUMAN CENTIPEDE of social media. But if you can follow me and pass around my stuff so my work can find new readers.
A true story from the life of Al Bruno III
Al Bruno III
In the year 1993 I enjoyed parties, I enjoyed strippers and I enjoyed the company of my brother. In October my bachelor party changed all that.
About ten days before my wedding I got a phone call from my brother, he was my best man. I was at work and he told me to leave early because my bachelor party was happening in two hours.
As you can imagine that went over like gangbusters with my boss.
I got cleaned up and got my ass to the apartment shared by my brother and his girlfriend. She wasn’t there of course but you know who else wasn’t there. Not a single one of my other groomsmen or any of my friends. All my brother’s drinking buddies were there though; most of them were guys I didn’t know or ones I did know that were shocked I had found a bride without resorting to mail order.
That should have been a warning sign but I decided to just roll with it. After all I had been the best man for my father’s third wedding and he hadn’t invited me to his bachelor party.
For an hour I socialized and pretended to drink the many, many cups of beer that were slapped into my hand.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door, signaling that the evenings entertainment had arrived and that I would never ever turn down the chance to use a cliche.
Did I mention this all happened on a dark and stormy night?
The entertainment was a bleached blond middle aged woman. She had a killer figure but I didn’t like the way she surveyed the room. It was the kind of expression a substitute teacher who finds herself in a room full of 18 year old high school Freshmen would have. I didn’t begrudge her that, after all at least one of my brother’s friends was an 18 year old High School Freshman. A tall man followed her inside, obviously he was her bodyguard and when he scanned the room it was obvious he was trying to decide whose neck he would have to snap first if need be.
“Hey Al!” My brother brought me over to the stripper, “this is Eva.”
She looked up from setting up the portable CD player she had brought in with her. “Hi.”
I flashed her a smile and pointed to her bodyguard, “So if you’re the Eva he must be the brawn. Get it? Am I...”
After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence Eva fired up her CD player and sat me down in the center of the room. She began her routine. Like I said she had a killer bod and she was wearing thigh high stockings which are always a plus in my book but her boobs were obviously and poorly augmented. They made her look like a claymation sex doll.
Then she made a grab for my groin and she didn’t find what she expected. I wasn’t even slightly aroused, I just wasn’t. Eva glared at me and redoubled her efforts to make my little autobot transform and roll out.
“What are you gay or somethin’?” she huffed at me.
“That’s not helping.” I said back.
She grabbed hold of my head and pulled my face towards her torso. She shook and shimmied her breasts.
And broke my glasses.
No seriously. It was like being beaten by two leather purses filled with wet sand. The loss of my glasses signaled the next phase of my ‘entertainment’. She dropped her panties, stood me up and danced around me rubbing her bare ass against the front of my pants.
The only thing she felt rubbing back was my car keys.
Now she started to strip me, taking me down to my tighty whities. Eva pushed me down on my back and my brother slapped a dollar bill down over my mouth.
And she picked it up with her vagina. This went on for several bills of increasing value but still nothing happened for me below the waistline. She kept snatching bills from my face until I felt like I was being given mouth to mouth by a a toothless Jerry Garcia.
And the final humiliation came when Eva removed my underwear to reveal my Mr. Itsy Bitsy to this gang of mostly strangers. She laughed at my flaccidness, as did everyone else in the room that wasn’t drunk.
“What kind of a man are you?” She demanded to know as the show wound down.
Once Eva was dressed and gone, I dressed and got gone as well, even though my brother kept insisting I stay and get high with his buddies.
My brother said one last thing to me as I left his apartment, “Don’t tell anyone about this or I’ll tell your wife you fucked the stripper.”
Why did he say that? I think he realized he had crafted a disaster of a party and didn’t want anyone else to know. Either that or he was an asshole. I doubt I will ever know but even now almost twenty years later I can’t feel like I can ever fully trust or forgive him for saying that.
When I got back to the apartment I shared with my fiancee I took a long, hot shower, when I got out of the tub my fiancee Joanna was there.
“How was it?” she asked with a smirk. She was wearing a flannel nightgown.
“I’m just glad to be home,” I toweled myself off.
She gave me a peck on the cheek, “I love you.”
And not half a second later my little Rock of Gibraltar was standing firm.
I hurried after my fiancee.
That night Eva had asked me what kind of a man I was. Well I was Joanna’s man and things have been that way for twenty years.
Last night Oreo posted this picture on their Facebook feed:
And here are some of the comments:
My reaction to these comments is a 'FUCK YOU' in letters ten miles high. You do not have the right to impose your morals on other consenting adults.
And how will I react to this sad, probably half-assed boycott?
Please join me in doing so.
JUNE 26--A Massachusetts man is facing a felony assault with a dangerous weapon charge after allegedly tossing a batch of “hot and oily” McDonald’s french fries at his stepdaughter during an dispute last Friday in the family car, police report.
According to cops, James Hackett, 26, got into an argument about money with his wife after the couple--and the woman’s 11-year-old daughter--picked up food at the drive-thru window of a McDonald’s in Lowell.
As the couple argued, the girl “began to interject into the argument in an attempt to get the two to stop fighting.” This allegedly upset Hackett, who “picked up the container of French fries he had just purchased, which were hot and oily, and threw it at [the girl], striking her in the face and chest area.”
...Hackett was subsequently arrested after his wife called police to report the incident. When Officer Richard Cesarz collared Hackett, he informed him that “he was being charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon to wit french fry.”
The Cold Inside
By AL BRUNO III
Saturday November 12, 1994
When the pizza arrived they took a break from the game. Tristam paid for everything, he insisted. That seemed to make Warren even madder and he cursed a few more times just so he could put his pizza money in the Swear Jar. “I tell you,” Rich said through a mouthful of cheese, “I’m finally gonna go up a level this session.”
Drew sipped from a can of diet soda, “You’d have gone up a level months ago if you weren’t multiclassed all to Hell.”
Everyone froze. Shaking her head Drew got up and put a dollar into the Swear Jar. When she sat back down Rich said “Multiclassed works for me. Elroy the Albino is a one man army.”
Warren threw a pizza crust back into the box and got another slice, “Elroy the Albino is a one man copyright lawsuit.”
Yusuf said “A one man army that was nearly killed by a beggar with a stick.”
“He was leper with a stick.” Greg corrected.
Rich frowned “That was one tough leper.”
Adelphos laughed at the memory “And those were some terrible rolls.”
Tristam took another bite of pizza and tried to make eye contact with Warren “Sorry my fighter almost killed your paladin.”
“That’s all right. It was a fumble, it couldn’t be helped. He’ll recover.” Warren threw another wedge of pizza crust into the box and grabbed another slice.
“Well, what’s a groin injury between friends?” Yusuf said.
Adelphos winced, “Quite a lot I think.”
Warren said, “Luther’s a Psionicist, he's beyond the needs of the flesh. He didn’t even scream.”
Drew wadded up a napkin and tossed it at Greg, “Those weapon fumble tables were written by a sadist.”
It was almost five o’clock and pitch black outside. They had had drawn the curtains to keep in the warmth. Books and papers surrounded them, stacked on the armrests of the seats and piled on the coffee table. Dice and pencils were scattered on every flat surface. Greg’s Mom was home early from choir practice and baking cookies, the smell was maddening. The portable CD player was now tuned to the local rock music station, when they got back to playing Greg would start up the sword and sorcery movie soundtracks up again.
Finishing off his soda with a gulp and a belch Tristam looked around the parlor. It occurred to him that he was having more fun here than he’d ever had at one of Linda Kaspary’s parties.
Maybe I’m just a geek at heart. He thought.
Greg made eye contact with him, “Something on your mind?”
“Kinda.” Tristam began, “Look I know I’m the new guy here and I’m enjoying the game but why exactly are our characters exploring this dungeon? This place is a deathtrap with deathtraps in the deathtraps. Wouldn’t it make more sense to become mercenaries or join the king’s army?”
Rich raised a defiant and pizza stained fist “Elroy the Albino bows down before no man!”
“Unless its a beggar with a stick,” Drew rolled her eyes.
Greg corrected her again, “It was a leper.”
Rich lowered his fist, “That was one badass leper.”
“Oh.” Adelphos laughed, “The swear jar claims another victim.”
“Badass isn’t a swear word.”
Greg’s Mom called in from the kitchen “Yes it is and you just said it twice. That’s two bucks.”
“Busted!” Warren laughed as Rich walked over to the mantle and dropped in a handful of quarters.
“But to answer your question,” Rich grabbed another slice of pizza and sat back down, “we are in this dungeon because at the heart of it is a black dragon-”
“Are those the ones that breathe fire?” Tristam asked.
Warren threw another pizza crust into the box “You wish. They spit acid.”
Rich started talking again, “As I was saying at the very bottom of this dungeon is a black dragon- very old and very evil.”
“But the dungeon didn’t used to be a dungeon.” Yusuf interrupted, “A thousand years ago it was an underground fortress and the forces of good kept the dragon imprisoned there.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” Tristam said, “Why didn’t they just kill him?”
Warren laced his fingers behind his head “It’s one of Greg’s dungeons, it doesn’t have to make sense.”
“You wound me sir,” Greg said.
Drew explained, “Because as long as the dragon was alive they had a ready made supply of dragon scales for their armor and dragon blood for their spells.”
“Smart girl.” Rich gave her unmarked cheek a pinch, “But of course eventually the forces of good got hosed and the goblins came in and took over the underground fortress. Thing was they weren’t smart enough to figure out a way to untrap the dragon, all they could do was feed it and worship it.”
Adelphos nodded “And since the dragon is mad smart he’s been giving them tactical advice. Now the goblins, the biggest wussies since the orcs, are actually a threat to the Kingdom.”
Yusuf smiled “It is pretty cool. The dragon is trapped but he might just enslave every human in the region.”
“Of course it’s only a matter of time before the goblin army captures some dwarves and enslaves them.” Rich concluded, “And since the dwarven elders built this fortress they’re the only ones that can set the big bad boy free.”
Tristam snagged the last piece of pizza for himself, “So we want to kill the dragon before this can happen.”
“Yes.” Warren said, “Each character has his own reason, Luther was called upon by his god, Drew’s thief-acrobat is looking for treasure and experience. Elroy is out for vengeance.”
Rich opened his trapper-keeper and pulled out a wrinkled character sheet, “Behold the glory that was Corwin of the Golden Codpiece. Anti-Paladin- Illusionist- Bard.”
“Urgh!” Drew feigned retching.
Tristam looked over the character sheet, not understanding what half of the things written on it meant, “So he died fighting the dragon?”
“Nah, he died fighting one of the dragon’s henchmen.” Rich took the character sheet back and returned it to its place of reverence in his folder. “A very tough, non-leprous Ogre Magi.”
“It was an awesome fight.” Adelphos grinned, “The whole party was droppin’ like flies. I got a crit on the Ogre Magi and chopped off his arm.”
Greg tsked under his breath “Not his arm, his hand.”
“Whatever. So the Ogre Magi zaps us with a cone of cold, everyone dies but Corwin-”
“But I’m pretty low on hit points too.” Rich added. “So I go charging after him and run him right through with my sword. He’s almost dead and so am I.”
Warren smiled evilly, “Then the next round you blew your initiative roll.”
“Yeah.” Rich said, “So the Ogre Magi goes first and he centers a disintegration spell on Corwin’s Golden Codpiece.”
“Ouch!” Tristam wondered why there were so many groin injuries in this game, “Well at least he died with his boots on.”
“Yes.” Yusuf said, “His boots were all that was left.”
The first episode of the next series of Doctor Who is, as has become customary, set for a preview screening at the BFI ahead of its TV premiere. On the occasion of this being announced, the BBC have also revealed the title of the episode and made me do a “Whooo” noise.
And it’s The Asylum of the Daleks. That could refer to an asylum in architectural terms, as in bedlam, or Arkham; or it might refer to protection, as you might award to a refugee...
From FULL FRONTAL FATHERHOOD
I stopped at a local supermarket to get some road trip supplies and food for the cooler. My daughter gets it in her head that she wants some gum, actually she wants all the gum on all the shelves she can reach. Needless to say I found myself wrestling with a sugar fixated three year old. I am proud to say that I was winning the battle until my daughter discovered (through a strange combination of grabbing at me and falling over) an ancient martial arts technique called 'The Monkey Snatches the Peach...'
I mean sure they're already free on the blog and as ebook downloads but if any of you are interested in the idea cast your vote here. The poll will stay open until August. I would not expoect to charge more than a dollar over cost since this wiring thing is for my own amusement these days...