Friday, December 16, 2011

And now a big bucket of kitty whoopass...

Found via BUZZFEED

 

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One of the greatest scenes in the history of cinema? JUST MAYBE!

New free Ebooks are available! PRICE BREAKS AND HEARTACHES VOLUME 2 and PRECIOUS ARTIFACTS

Download my stories to your computer, tablet or eReader!

All formats supported!

(I hope!)

NOVELS

In The Midnight Of His Heart

To all outward appearances John Sig is just an old man living a quietly in an empty old house. His one pleasure is when he heads down to the local diner and visits with his favorite waitress. When she disappears, John sets out to find her. For an ordinary old man that might seem like a foolish idea but John Sig isn’t human...


In The Shadow Of His Nemesis

Isobel Talbot's life was a monotony, even her heartbreaks were predictable; but a chance encounter leaves her running for her life from the most terrible and impossible things. And worse yet, she's fallen in love...


Love And Treason On The Verge

The Outpost was a squat stone structure that was ringed on all sides by high thick walls that were honeycombed with stairways, arrow loops and topped with crenellations festooned with ancient barbed wire. There were dozens of Outposts scattered along the Verge, marking the point of demarcation between the nurturing safety of the Protectorate and the madness of the Barrens. Each Outpost was similar in design but always ended up being different in execution...



THE NICK OF TIME

Blood And Tinsel

The war between two bloodthirsty wizards spills over into a crowded shopping center. Is this more than mall security can handle?


Acquainted With The Night

The man called Dr. Flesh has been called to the city of Olathoe to perform an assassination but soon finds himself being followed by cats...


A Heart Full Of Dust

An amnesiac man, a robot girl and a dying world. What does all this have to do with Jason Magwier?


Rites Of Passage

Lorelei was born into a world of mystery and betrayal. At eighteen she is sent to the legendary city of Olathoe to learn the ways of magic but she already thinks she's ready for anything. But when she meets the man called Jason Magwier everything changes...


Shadows Of Polaris

What could be worse than being late for an important job interview? How about blundering into another dimension and finding yourself running for your life?


Precious Artifacts

Jason Magwier and his friends are always on the lookout for strange treasures, blasphemous manuscripts and impossible devices. But in a world tainted by mad gods and alien minds sometimes they find the wrong thing at the exactly the wrong time...



ANTHOLOGIES

In This Twilight

This collection of 13 stories transports you to a world where both dreams and monsters lurk in the shadows, where love and forgotten rituals fight for control of the human heart, and where the madness of eternity can be glimpsed in a single segmented eye...


Tales From The Oddside

The stories in this collection will bring you into a world of uneasy laughter and ridiculous nightmares, a world where horror and humor collide...


Halloween Prayers

Halloween Prayers, features the following stories of faith and fright- 'Deus Ex Machina', 'In The Pit', 'Little Ophelia', 'Sugar-Coated Sacraments' and 'The Man That Ate Newborns'...


The Scrapyard Diaries

When I was young I was prone to fevers and nightmares, something that my doctors and my parents alike put down to a weak constitution and an overactive imagination. Even I grew older and stronger nightmares continued to plague me, nightmares that no drug could keep at bay, nightmares that frequently had me lashing out violently as I awoke...



THE LOCAL HEROES

Trouble In River City

None of the big time super teams bother with River City - it’s not even flyover territory anymore but that doesn’t mean there aren’t villains aplenty so the Local Heroes fight crime with a league of their own...


Apocalypse Jones And The Race Against Time

Annabelle Jones was just an ordinary cop patrolling the streets of River City but that was before the world became trapped in the 1970's and monsters began to roam the streets. Can she and a rag-tag group of superheroes save the world when time has already run out?



FUNNY BUSINESS

The RPG.net Rants

Presenting tasteless tales of role-playing madness, completely unedited and, for reasons even I do not understand, presented in screenplay format...


5 Second Fiction Volume One

What are these two hundred totally twitterable tales? Are they jokes? Are they super-small stories for people on the go? You decide!


5 Second Fiction Volume Two

What are these two hundred totally twitterable tales? Are they jokes? Are they super-small stories for people on the go? You decide!


5 Second Fiction Volume Three

What are these two hundred totally twitterable tales? Are they jokes? Are they super-small stories for people on the go? You decide!


5 Second Fiction Volume Four

What are these two hundred totally twitterable tales? Are they jokes? Are they super-small stories for people on the go? You decide!


Price Breaks And Heartaches 1

The somewhat true story of how I barely lost my virginity, almost missed out on true love and nearly lost my mind!


Price Breaks And Heartaches 2

The continuing somewhat true story of how I barely lost my virginity, almost missed out on true love and nearly lost my mind!


Corpse Wars 1: The Fandom Menaced

Of all the times for the dead to rise from their graves to feast on the living why did it have to happen right before the premere of George Lucas’ new Star Wars movie?


Corpse Wars 2: Attack Of The Crones

Star Wars Fans vs Zombies! No matter who wins, we all lose!


Executive Support (An excerpt from the serial novel Fully Vested)

Executive Support

(An excerpt from the serial novel Fully Vested)

by

Al Bruno III




The call center was subdued at night, the noise of a roomful of people all talking at once was replaced by the murmurs of just a few. Occasionally Mike would hear the rumble of the trucks that came and went from the loading docks at all hours. Semis and vans were queued up sometimes three deep to drop off and pick up materials from the research and deployment center. Mike had never seen the labs but Cosmos had told him that they were three levels below the first floor. He wasn’t sure he believed her because none of the stairwells or elevators seemed to have any access to a sub basement level.


Mike’s phone bleeped, his computer screen filled with data, he knew instantly this was the accounting department for a hospital in Los Angeles, “Thank you for calling Trinity Advance Corporation, I am Michael your Sales and Billing Technologist. How may I be of service to you today?”


“Hi Michael, my account number is eight one nine six nine six eight eight one five. I have a little question about this bill we received.”


“Of course sir. Let me look over that information now.” Usually Mike never got calls from the West coast but the overnight team’s job was to handle any overflow of calls the Seattle call center might be experiencing.


There was an LED readout screen suspended on each corner of the call center, it gave workers a constant tally of the number of calls holding and for how long. It also had the time on the East coast and West coast. It was almost eleven o’clock.


One hour and I can go home, he thought as he explained the bill to his caller. Five hours of overtime had seemed like a good way to replenish his savings after paying several hundred dollars to replace the front end suspension of his car. Now he was starting to feel worn out, he couldn’t wait to get home and get to sleep.


And then get up in seven hours to start the whole thing over again.


Well it’s not like I have anyone waiting for me at home. He thought glumly as he concluded the call and moved on to the next one. The whole Christine thing hadn’t worked out. She had made three dates with him and stood him up each time. The first time Mike had assumed it was a mix up, the second time he was bemused but by the third time he’d been too angry to see straight. If she didn’t want to go out with him why didn’t she just say so? Rejection he could handle, being made to feel like an inept junior high school kid he couldn’t.


Mike wrapped up another billing call and waited for the next call to come through. He heard the familiar warning beep on his phone but his computer screen stayed blank, “Thank you for calling Trinity Advance Corporation, I am Mike your Sales and Billing Technologist. How may I be of service to you today?”


“Hi Mike. Are you in the Seattle call center?”


“Uh, no.” Mike checked his phone, sure enough it read EXECUTIVE SUPPORT, “This is the Schenectady call center.”


“Is it Walpurgis night there? Can you tell?”


“I don’t… I’m sorry I don’t know. This is the wrong department. I can’t really help you.” Mike explained.


“Ah. Well these things happen. I’ll try to call back.”


Mike heard the phone clatter down but his caller neglected to actually hang up. Mike heard muffled voices talking, “That was a waste of time. Now hold still, the orifice is weeping in anticipation...”


The Hell? Mike thought as he disconnected the call himself. Another call came hot on the heels of that one, once again his computer’s screen failed to show any data and his phone read EXECUTIVE SUPPORT.


“Thank you for calling Trinity Advance Corporation, I am Mike your Sales and Billing Technologist. How may I be of service to you today?”


The line was alive with squawking and howls. Mike waited for someone to say something and when they didn’t he repeated his greeting. A fresh chorus of piercing cries, growls and the occasional wet slopping sound was the only reply he got.


“I’m sorry,” Mike said, “you’re going to have to call back.”


He disconnected the call and another one beeped through, “Thank you for calling Trinity Advance Corporation, I am Mike your sales Technologist. How may I be of service to you today?”


“Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos!”


Oh Lord…


Mike stood up and peered over to the other cubicles and found he wasn’t the only person in his department looking around helplessly. The evening supervisor was shaking his head and talking on the phone to someone. The stats on the call board had been reduced to a nonsense of letters and numbers that flicked and fluttered.


“I’m sorry,” Mike said, “but you have the wrong department. Please call back sir.”


Another call came in, Mike repeated his standard greeting. His screen stayed empty, his phone still read EXECUTIVE SUPPORT.


“Please,” the voice was desperate and furtive, “which fork is the salad fork?”


Mike rolled his eyes.


The rest of his final hour was one bizarre call after another. At midnight he logged out of the SIGIL system got on his coat.


He decided to make a quick pit stop before he headed out to his car. The main bathroom was elegant and sterile looking but no amount of air freshener could ever really conceal that strange sulfurous odor.


There was a man passed out on the bathroom floor, he was scrawny with his long dark coat wrapped around him like a cocoon, his face twitched as he dreamed. His mouth hung open revealing a chipped tooth and flecks of vomit. Mike recognized him. It was Raymond from the Executive Support team...

Hmmmm maybe there is something to this whole 'possessed dog' thing after all...


Found via BUZZFEED

(Insane News) How much would you pay for a pendant that will expel demons from your poodle?

story found via FARK.com

Are your children misbehaving at school? Are your loved ones suffering from medical ailments? Is your home infested with bedbugs?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, you'll be happy to know that there's a simple reason you are experiencing these seemingly unrelated misfortunes: Your dog is possessed by a demon.

And, thankfully, there's a simple solution: A $197 pendant sold by a woman who claims her poodle was inhabited by a demonic spirit.

But wait, there's more!

New York artist Olga Horvat started designing demon-deterring accessories after she adopted Princess, a pure-bred toy poodle that she credits -- or blames -- for literally tearing her life into pieces.

Horvat claims that soon after Princess arrived in her home, bad luck befell the family, including a bedbug infestation that led to $7,000 in exterminator fees from her co-op as well as legal fees to fight an eviction.

In addition, her husband was in a serious car accident and came down with a rare autoimmune disease called Churg-Strauss Syndrome. Then Horvat's daughter was almost expelled from second grade for offending classmates with an action that was perceived to be bigoted when she put on a rubber glove then grabbed the bare hand of a Muslim friend -- an action the child blames on a strange voice she heard in her head.

Meanwhile, Princess herself suffered a broken leg that did not respond well to treatment.

Horvat says her family's misfortunes are all linked to the tiny white pooch that just happened to be possessed.

To be fair, it's not Princess' fault that a demonic spirit attached itself to her -- or so Horvat wrote in her book Paranormal Pooch (Omega Publications), where she presents the theory that some kind of evil presence infiltrated her dog...

click here to read the rest of the story

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

And now Wonder Woman giving herself a breast exam...

 

From TOPLESS ROBOT

 

An artist in Mozambique has drawn four superheroines -- Wonder Woman (above), She-Hulk, Storm and Catwoman -- giving themselves breast exams to check for breast cancer. While they were commissioned by the DDB Mozambique advertising agency, I don't believe these are official...

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Thirteen

The dance club had a DJ for the rest room to help get the potty started.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Twelve

Sir Robert hadn't meant to nod off while wearing his armor but it turned out he got a good knight's sleep.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Eleven

By 2015 USB compatible butt-plugs were pulled from the market because of end-user problems.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Ten

No one noticed the high number of deaths at the Ouija Board tech support line because they looked like highly improbable accidents.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Nine

Amazing Ed would have gotten to the crime scene a Hell of a lot sooner if he hadn't locked his keys in the Edmobile

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Eight

Lorelei had dealt with rhyming demons and singing demons But a demon that only spoke in quotes from Monty Python? “Oh Hell no.”

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Seven

There are all kinds of electronic books these days but only the dictionaries are in high definition.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Which of 2011's #FridayFlash stories did you like best?

Vote on your favorite! The pole is on the upper left hand corner of THE WIT AND WEIRDNESS OF AL BRUNO III

The list is below, click the links to re-read any of the stories you like.


The Man That Ate Newborns

Little Ophelia

In the Pit

Deus Ex Machina

Apocalypse Jones And The Race Against Time (Serial Story)

Jason Magwier Winds Up In Cleveland

The Piglet Of Tybaldt

Abner Deggent’s Christmas Hits

A Penny Earned

An Invitation To Disaster

Infant Terrible

Trochildae

A Son's Duty

The Sultan's Challenge

Waiting For Zachary

Holding For A Hero

Single Celled Vigilante

Good Knight Claire

Smack My Witch Up

Everything Must Go

Which incarnation of the Doctor would you like to travel with? THE RESULTS ARE IN!

Well the votest have been talied and here are the results from my poll question Which incarnation of the Doctor would you like to travel with?

 

Here are the votes

The Third and Fifth Doctors got 1%

 

The First, Second, Sixth and Seventh Doctors got 2%

 

The Eight Doctor got 4%

 

The Ninth Doctor got 11%

 

The Fourth Doctor got 15%

 

The Eleventh Doctor got 23%

 

And the clear winner with 31% of the vote was the Tenth Doctor. Take a bow!

 

 

 

Many of the images used above were from the blog  STUPID FACES OF DOCTOR WHO

THE COLD INSIDE (a serial novel) Chapter Five part two

THE COLD INSIDE

Chapter Five

part two

By AL BRUNO III


Tuesday November 8, 1994




The loading dock of the Carvale Home was dark and empty in the early evenings. It was the perfect place to grab a smoke. Frustrated and annoyed Tristam had stolen the pack of Marlboros from his mother’s desk and retreated there to relax. Huddling in the gloom he inhaled the smoke greedily. He wondered how much more he could take. School, his mom and his psychiatrist were all hammering away at him like he was a block of stone they were trying to fashion into a statue. The problem was that each of them had a different idea of what that statue was supposed to be.

In the end he wondered to himself if there would be anything left at all when they were done chipping away. Expelling a mouthful of smoke he leaned against the cool wall and slid down into a crouch. He would just be glad when this day was over, any day that started out with a wet dream could only go downhill. Part of him was terrified over what had happened last night, part of him couldn’t wait to try it again.


No. No. He thought to himself, Gotta ration this out. Just like cigarettes, otherwise you loose the kick you get. No titties except for the weekends or special occasions.


The problem was that he still didn’t know if it was all real or not. How could he be sure? Maybe he was crazy after all. Most people thought he was. Heck for the first few weeks after his arrest the local AM radio shock jock had obsessed over him and called him a ‘ticking time bomb’ and ‘a serial killer in the making’ for four hours a day, every day.


That’ll look great on a college application. Oughta get me right into Harvard.


He took another drag on the cigarette, wondering how much tar and nicotine he was getting, wondering how much closer to cancer he was. Sometimes he wondered why he didn’t just get it over with and kill himself. It wasn’t like he had a future anymore.


“Got another one of those?”


Tristam gasped, half-choking on a mouthful of smoke. An old man stepped out onto the loading dock, he was lantern-jawed and clean shaven. He wore a battered baseball cap.


“What?”


“I said do you have another one of those cigarettes? I’m fresh out.”


Tristam stood and looked around for one of the orderlies, the residents weren’t allowed to go wandering off unsupervised. “How did you get outside?”


“Christ!” The old man hissed “Do I look like one of the walking dead in there? My wife is here- just until she gets back on her feet.”


“Oh,” Tristam hoped it was too dark for his scowl to be noticeable, he slipped the pack from his jacket pocket, “I just see you around a lot.”


The old man pulled a cigarette from the crinkled cellophane and lit it with a tarnished silver lighter “My name is Phil, Mr. Dowd to young punks like you. I think your Mom does my wife’s physical therapy.”


“Occupational therapy,” Tristam finished off his own cigarette and crushed the remains beneath his heel.


“Hmm?” Mr. Dowd asked.


“My Mom does Occupational Therapy. Physical therapy is different.”


“Whatever.” He glanced out into the darkened parking lot, “Does she know you’re stealing her smokes? Does she know you smoke?”


“I- I mean she- they’re-”


“Thought so,” he laughed a little. “Tell you what, give me the rest of the pack and it’ll be our secret.”


“But my Mom will notice,” Tristam looked to the door, wondering if he should just make a run for it.


“If she does notice she’ll just think that either one of the lowlife fucks that works here stole them or one of the senile fucks ate them or some goddamn thing,” The old man held out his hand, “Now do I get my smokes or do I have to pay Carol a visit?”


With a groan of resignation Tristam handed over the Marlboro pack.


Mr. Dowd pocketed it with a smug little smile, “You just learned an important lesson kiddo, people are scum. Remember it and live well.”



Click Here To Continue

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Six

Returning from the far future tends to make most time travelers very moody, or in other words past tense.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Five

Abner Deggent was proud survive the death-orgy of the Amazons, he was less proud that several of the Amazons had died of boredom.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Four

Some marriages might have been strained by having a child in a manger but Joesph and Mary had a fairly stable relationship.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Three

It was only after he returned from the funeral that Dr. Bob admitted his patient was in grave condition.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Two

She made a lot of money selling t-shirts for chubby chasers that read “Know Fat Chicks”.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and One

Mr. Nice Guy tried to teach the local hoodlums about sharing and it worked. They took turns beating him.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand

Temperatures, much like the TV Weatherman's age, continued to hover around fifty.