Saturday, December 10, 2011
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Friday, December 9, 2011
Download my stories to your computer, tablet or eReader!
All formats supported!
Tooth Or Consequences
(An excerpt from Price Breaks And Heartaches)
Al Bruno III
It was Kevin, his newest girlfriend Sarah, who was the best friend of Alice the girl he had been going out with. Now Sarah had been going out with Corey but now Corey was going out with Alice. This wasn’t the first time they had switched off like this. It was like the pair of them were some kind of a herpes brewery. Ida was there and he and I were soon trading friendly insults, Ida’s brother Marv was there too in his leopard print Speedos, his girlfriend was with him.
Tallulah and I were near the deep end of the pool, rough housing and talking. She asked me, “Why isn’t Joanna wearing a bathing suit?”
“Maybe she’s self conscious.” I shot her a baleful glance, “I wish she’d just stayed home.”
I tried to shrug while treading water but it didn’t really work out, “She just bugs me. I don’t know why.”
Tallulah swam closer to me and whispered, “She still can’t take her eyes off you.”
“You’re all the girl I need.” I pulled her against me.
“What is that?”
I grinned, “It’s my water wing.”
There will be a brief pause so you can all be sick.
After a while Tallulah swam over to where the girls were sitting on the pool steps and talking, I managed to reach the guys by doing a cross-legged dog paddle.
"You all right Al?" Corey asked.
"Never better." I croaked.
Marv said, "We want to get a volleyball game going here. Ida's setting up the net.
Kevin said, "Yeah its gonna be guys on girls-"
"Oh yeah... heh heh heh..."
"Marv," I said, "never brush against me again when your laughing like that again."
"So anyway," Corey said, "it is guys versus girls but Joanna isn't gonna play because she didn't want to swim today."
"A girl thing." Marv said, "If you know what I mean."
"For the love of God Marv..." I said, "Wait...won't that leave us with an advantage?"
"Nah." Ida said, "You'll just have you play on the girl's side."
"What the Hell are you insinuating?"
"You're the one wearing a pale pink bathing suit."
"It was red." I said icily,"It faded."
Marv laughed so hard he swallowed a mouthful of water, "Sure buddy."
"Look I'm not the one wearing a suit so tight we can see his circumcision scars!" My shout faded when I realized everyone was giving me that look again, "...not that I was noticed."
The volleyball game started normally but it soon ended up being multiple ball dodge ball with a net in the way. The game got more and more brutal until the girls fled the pool to the relative safety of the deck. Ida and I climbed out of the pool started running around the edge of the pool grabbing beach balls and volleyballs to throw at each other. Neither of us were very good shots and I started taunting him with my William Shatner impression.
A ball zipped past my ear and crashed into a picnic table sending plasticware flying in all directions. I shouted to him, “Like a poor marksman you-keep-missing- the target!”
“For a fat guy you move pretty fast!” Ida said.
“CANNONBALL!” Marv ran off the end of the diving board and curled into a ball. It made his bathing suit ride up in all the wrong ways.
Water splashed everywhere and drenched Joanna, she had been coxed into manning the barbecue grill and was now suffering for it. I took a moment to look at her as I ran to the other side of the pool, laughing at the fact bathing suit or not she had gotten soaking wet anyway. Her dark eyes were flashing with mock anger, the locks of her wet hair clung to the sides of her face and the moisture had made her tank top almost transparent. I was so transfixed by the sight of her nipples thrusting up against the translucent fabric that I didn’t see that lawn chair.
I went down on the ground chin first and hard.
My front tooth cracked in half, not straight of course, it was a ragged fang like edge. There was a moment when I was too stunned to feel anything and then the cold air hit the exposed nerve of my tooth.
“Oh my God Al!” Joanna shouted, “Are you Ok?”
My eyes were watering but I managed to say, “I think I just had an out of body experience.”
Tallulah and Joanna were at my side to make sure I was all right, Ida was apologizing, Kevin was on the line to his parent’s lawyer and Marv was too busy trying to fish his Speedo out of the filter to notice anything.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
For a decade mad scientists and 'Seinfeld' fans experimented with Wayne Knight's DNA, the final result was the Newman Centipede.
Before you take your true love in your arms and say “Don't ever change.” You better damn well be sure they aren't a werewolf first.
Low-end superheroes and standup comics have a lot in common- late hours, seedy neighborhoods and the risk of regular beatings.
There was a clear boundary between ordinary flatulence and crapping your pants and every day Jenkins walked the line.
Derrick sold fake poultry by the truckload so it was inevitable he would be arrested and charged with Fraud Chicken.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
"Obamas" - written without an apostrophe in accordance with Swedish grammatical custom - serves falafel, kebab and sausages, prepared and served by Amro and Soumia Hawary, who opened up shop almost three years ago.
“I named it Obamas because I really like the American president Obama,” said owner Amro Hawary to The Local.
“I have followed his career since he was in Chicago, a few years before he was president.”
You can't see Obamas from the main road and there is not a lot of traffic flow to help you find your way. But, thankfully, there is a giant Obama head on a "Falafel, kebab and sausage" sign on the main road, directing the way to the little cart...
Plattsmouth's long ninja nightmare came to a close Wednesday afternoon when a cow that had been roaming its streets since mid-September was finally corralled.
Police Chief Steve Rathman said the animal — dubbed the ninja cow because it grazed on lush city lawns at night and then vanished when people approached — was captured about 1 p.m. on the north side of town. Terry Grell of Louisville, Neb., Neil Johnson of Nehawka, Neb., and Gregg Eisenbarth of Plattsmouth caught the cow on horseback.
Grell said the trio tracked the cow in the morning, moved her into an open area with a trailer nearby and then allowed her to calm down before using their ropes for the capture. The cow calmly walked into the trailer for a ride to Grell's place outside of Louisville.
“It's nice that the she was taken care of without harm,” Rathman said. “We did everything in our power to humanely capture (the cow) and I'm very glad it ended as it did...”
Here are my faves...
Flicking her bright red hair back, she swings up onto the pole, her thighs gripping the metal while the the audience cheers in applause.
At 252 pounds, LuAyne Barber - stage name Lulu - is not your average pole dancer.
But her ample body, a U.S. size 22, does not hold her back from the lifts, spins, slides, stands and grips that define the dance form's athletic routines....
...She recalls how, when younger, she did not eat well - and though she wasn't teased at school, she soon became 'ashamed' of her body.
The 'poling' classes changed her outlook: 'I was instantly hooked. It was the first time I'd felt sexy in years.'
Writing on her site, Team-Lulu.com, the mother-of-two says she balances training on the 8-foot metal poles with her family life. She even has a practice pole installed in her home.
And while Lulu has gained something of a fanbase and has a YouTube channel dedicated to her increasingly ambitious moves, her husband, plumber Will Brown, 29, remains her number one fan...
...the Polycystic Ovary Syndrome sufferer has turned her hobby into a charity venture, too, with proceeds from Battle of the Pole Dance Studios she organises helping to raise money towards PCOS research.
The dancer, who is yet to win a title, runs workshops and writes that she 'is not giving up her dream of becoming pro.'...
You go girl!
...The case was unusual from the start.
In January 2004, Mr. Petraitis, 69, and Sandra Rinella, 47, were accused of hiring Ms. Rinella’s former husband, Kerry Anderson, who was a biker and former convict, to kill the businessman’s wife of almost 40 years.
The defence insist the plot was only a sexual role-playing game that Mr. Petraitis engaged in with his dominatrix mistress, Ms. Rinella, whom he paid.
One clue comes from Mr. Petraitis wearing a diaper during his first meeting with the would-be hit man….
THE COLD INSIDE
By AL BRUNO III
Tuesday November 8, 1994
The Carvale Home for the Elderly and the Infirm was a labyrinth of brightly painted walls and florescent lights. It had won awards for its standard of quality service and been mentioned favorably in newspapers and medical journals. Tristam hated there, he loathed it. He wanted nothing more than to spend the hour before his mother went home locked in the car- locked in the trunk even. Anything was better than being trapped in here. The place made his skin crawl. The people here- ‘the consumers’ as his mother called them- they were so old, so feeble. Tristam could barely stand to look at them. He felt like a character in a zombie movie, surrounded by shambling nightmares on all sides.
Tristam sat in his mother’s office, his math book open, his homework already half done. His mother was off visiting one of the residents, administering her daily dose of therapy. Carol Bloom was an Occupational Therapist; she helped stroke victims relearn things like holding a spoon, tying their shoes and getting dressed. Her job was commonly confused with Physical Therapy which was the same thing but different. She always said that the Occupational Therapists did all the work and the Physical Therapists got all the glory. Tristam had never really understood the difference himself but it was one of Mom’s favorite things to rant about. She could probably complain about it in her sleep.
With a shake Tristam realized that he’d been zoning out, just staring at the algebraic equation before him. Back to work. He thought, Let's get this over with now so we can watch some TV tonight.
Four problems later Tristam realized that he was being watched. One of the residents was staring at him through his mother’s open office door. It was an old man in t-shirt, slippers and sweat pants. He was bent and wrinkly, he looked like a dying tree. Tristam looked back down at his textbook but it was too late. He’d made eye contact.
“You workin?” He took tentative, shuffling footsteps into the office, “Schoolwork?”
The one rule Tristam had learned in dealing with irritable dogs and confused old farts was to show no fear, “Ms. Bloom isn’t here now, if you come back later she can-”
“Had a job when I was your age,” he smiled gumily, “had two.”
“I’d love to talk but this homework isn’t going to do itself so-”
“You look like a strong boy. You gonna join the army?”
“I hadn’t thought about it really.” Tristam searched the doorway for his mother, a nurse, anybody who could save him before the old man actually touched him.
“Maybe the Marines? I was in the Marines,” the old man gave Tristam’s bicep a playful squeeze.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
In some ways I feel the Sifl and Olly version of the Cars 'Just What I Needed' is superior to the original...
Then again I do love puppets...
ThinkGeek is now offering a die-cast screwdriver in the shape of the Sonic Screwdriver from Doctor Who. It lights up, makes sounds and is $30. It is brilliant, and I absolutely adore ThinkGeek for creating it and offering it for purchase.
Monday, December 5, 2011
|(a novella) Click here to read|
|(a vignette) Click here to read|